<< back to fiction index
Stars Come Down

By Rach

DISCLAIMER: Yeah … not mine! Song is "Stars Come Down" by Four Star Mary.
DISTRIBUTION: The usual haunts!
SUMMARY: Fred's thoughts on Wes and Gunn.
TIMELINE: After Cordy and Groo get back from their holiday. Before Double or Nothing.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For Steve, Tad, Zu, Derrick and Chris (not that they'll ever see this!) for being such cool guys, and doing songs like this one :-)
RATING: G
FEEDBACK is something I thrive on!

****

Sometimes the voices in my head
Start to laugh … I think of you instead
But the jokes, bury me in the sand
And I choke and lose all your feeling

I'm not crazy. I never was, not really. They all thought that Pylea did this to me, but I was always a little eccentric. I'm a scientist, it's expected of me. Of course, I would never have admitted it before, but sometimes I did come across as crazy, I know that.

When I came back, I was spending more time with people than I had done for years, and it took a while to readjust. Turns out I adjusted slightly too far, I ended up more normal than I was before. And looking at the stuff we deal with daily, that's saying a lot. It wasn't until Wesley left that I realised how I didn't quite fit in. He used to talk to me, and sometimes he even came into my room at night to check I was okay. We'd talk for hours, about all sorts of things, but never about our feelings for each other. Nobody else knew. It was our little secret, and I loved it. After the Billy incident, he stopped coming for a while. It was like he didn't trust himself to be alone with me, and although it killed me, I understood. Eventually he started coming back, and things got back to how they used to be. He was the one who kept me linked to the group, we were both a little bookish, and without Wes, there were so many times I found myself saying things that nobody else understood. They looked at me like I was nuts, and I would think to myself 'Wesley would understand.'

Once I started dating Charles, Wes and I saw less and less of each other. I still don't understand why he didn't come to me, to tell me about the prophecy. I would have trusted him with anything, and I'd thought he felt the same about me.

I want to walk to the bridge that you always said
You'd jump off if things ever get real bad
But I stop … for fearing if I did get to the top
I'd follow you

I haven't seen him for weeks. None of us have. I know I told him not to come back, but I didn't realise how much it would hurt to not see him. We haven't heard anything from him, so for all we know, he could be dead in a ditch somewhere. I wish he'd get in contact - I've left a couple messages on his machine, but he hasn't returned them. I just want to hear his voice, to know he's okay.

Things have been strained between Charles and I. I know he loves me, and I truly do care for him ... but my feelings for Wesley run deeper, and he knows it. It's just that neither of us dare bring the subject up. We've been keeping up the 'happy couple' faηade in front of the others, but I think Cordelia can see the cracks. The crazy thing is, I don't want there to be cracks. I wish that we could just act like a regular couple, and I could forget about Wesley. But love never works how you want it to, right?

Cordy told me how surprised she was when Charles and I got together. A few weeks after she and Groo got back, she came clean about how she'd been talking about Wesley, not Charles, when she'd said there was feelings.

"I know," I told her. "I knew you meant Wesley. But … things with Charles happened so quickly. I never planned it."

"Do you love him?" She'd asked me.

"Which one?"

"Gunn."

"Yeah … I think. I love being around him, and it just all feels so special."

"And Wesley?"

I'd sat down, sighing. "Yes. I do, I really do. But that's not going to happen now."

If the stars came down in a million showers
And I made a wish that could truly flower and bloom
Over you
Would you take your new life and give something from it
Instead of a lie and a broken promise
I'm here
If you care
Do you care?

I want Wesley back - I miss our chats, and the way he helped me with any little thing. He always had time for me. But he's not Charles. Charles loves me, and he goes places with me, and he jokes around with me. But he's not Wesley. Maybe that's why I love them both. Because they're both so different, they have so many different qualities. Maybe I'm just selfish. They both treat me like I'm the world to them, and I don't think I deserve that. Not after they way I've treated Wesley - how can I be a good person, if I can flaunt another relationship in front of him, they way I did with Charles? I don't know if I wanted to make him jealous, or if I just didn't realise what I was doing … but I know I wish I hadn't. Maybe if I hadn't acted like that, he wouldn't have felt like taking Connor was the only thing left to do. He could have spoken to me, and we could have worked it out together.

Earthquakes throw me right out of bed
These fakes in the land of the living dead
I'd make a run for it but instead I stay
I secretly love it

I can lie in bed with Charles, and be perfectly happy - but the second I think about Wesley, I feel sick. This is the first serious relationship I've ever been in, and I'm thinking about what it would be like to cheat on him with his best friend. Or former best friend. I tell myself I love Wesley, and that I should be with him, and not Charles, but I can't even convince myself that's true. I do love Wesley, but I couldn't cheat on Charles. Assuming Wesley even feels the same about me.

What did you say? Was it me you were laughing at?
You gave us hope, turned around, then you took it back
I want to know was it worth it?
I've got to know was it worth it?

I heard Angel and Cordelia discussing the three of us once. It was before all of this happened, they were laughing and joking about which of them would get the girl. I don't think they realised at the time quite what a devastating effect it would have on the team. I know Cordelia is in exactly the same situation as me, even if she hasn't realised it herself yet. She's dating Groo, but deep down inside, Angel is the one she wants. These last few months have been more about the relationships than the fighting … Wesley was supposed to be in charge. He was supposed to be the one we could turn to with anything - and just when things seemed to be getting back in order, he goes and acts like this. I should be mad with him, for what he did, but I just can't manage it.

If the stars came down in a million showers
And I made a wish that could truly flower and bloom
Over you
Would you take your new life and give something from it
Instead of a lie and a broken promise

Maybe I am a little crazy. I'm in love with two men at once - two best friends, for that matter. They're both gorgeous, in totally different ways, and they both have - or did have - feelings for me. And sometimes, when I first got here and I was looking at them from the outside, I wondered if maybe they had feelings for each other. That would be some girls' idea of paradise, but for me, it's causing nothing but heartache. It's an eternal triangle. And although I want them both, I want them to want just me. I can't talk to anyone about this. Wesley is still a tricky subject where Angel is concerned, and I know this whole situation would just be screaming "threesome" to Cordelia.

I know I'm coming off like a selfish, possessive bitch. And that's probably exactly what I am. But in the end it all comes down to one word: crazy.

I'm here
If you care
Do you care?


<< back to fiction index